


Pointed Hats

by Crowoxy



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bad Fashion Sense, Hats, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:46:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowoxy/pseuds/Crowoxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur wondered when everything had gone to hell and back…when everything that he had thought about his servant Merlin had gone and shattered into a million pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The day had started off normally enough. Arthur had granted Merlin a day off, to which the servant had gone off to help Gaius with whatever the elderly physician needed help with. Arthur looked at some reports that his father didn't want to bother himself with reading; he trained with his knights, went on a quick patrol with his knights around the castle, and then prepared for dinner with his father.

That's when everything went to hell.

Morgana met Arthur at the entrance to the dining room and she flashed him one of her fake smiles. Yes, Arthur had noticed that she had changed since she came back from her year of supposed torture and hellish experience at the hands of Morgause. Of course, one couldn't expect someone who had gone through such a terrifying experience to remain the same, post traumatic stress and all that; except that Morgana didn't appear to be traumatized in anyway. It was all very perplexing.

Arthur sighed as he followed Morgana into the dining room where Uther was waiting for both of them.

"Arthur, Morgana." The King of Camelot stood to welcome his heir and his ward and then waved at them to sit down and start eating. It made Arthur wonder if standing up briefly for a few seconds was all the exercise his father got from being king.

'If that's the case, then I don't want to be King! I don't want to get fat and lazy!'

Sitting down at his place on the left side of the King, across from Morgana, Arthur banished his thoughts of doubt.

"So Arthur, how were the reports that I gave you to read?" Uther asked his son as he shoveled in a pile of vegetables into his mouth.

"Boring. Cenred did actually write a letter to us claiming he wanted to go to war because apparently we stole an old toy of his." Arthur paused to take a large gulp of water. "I think he's finally gone crazy."

"Cenred has always been insane." Morgana said as she cut her chicken up vehemently. Both Arthur and Uther looked up at her expectedly.

"How would you know, Morgana?" Uther finally asked.

"Uh, he and Morgause met often to work together?" Morgana sounded hesitant.

"I thought you were kept in the dungeons or somewhere uncomfortable." Arthur looked at Morgana pointedly. "Why in the world would Cenred, of all people, show how insane he was to a prisoner?"

"Um…" Thankfully for Morgana, a distraction stole the attention from her at that very moment, and for the first time, she was not complaining about it.

Arthur had wheeled around when the great doors had been slammed open. To his surprise, the only person standing in the doorway was Merlin. Merlin panting frantically, face red, and sweat glistening on his brow, and wearing a ghastly purple tall pointed hat with silver stars stitched on the cheap looking hat fabric.

Arthur felt a shiver of repulsion and disgust run threw him as he looked at the hat. It was so, ugly and a crime against fashion! Why would anyone want to wear it?

Behind him (from Merlin's perspective anyways) Uther also stood up, looking flabbergasted at the huge purple pointed hat sitting oh so innocently on Merlin's head.

"Merlin, what the hell are-"

"Arthur!" Merlin dashed forward and ran around behind Arthur, gripping his shirt tightly. "You have to-"

"Merlin, are you hiding behind me?" Arthur felt annoyance rise up in his chest. Not only was Merlin forcing Arthur to be in close proximity with his nightmare-inducing hat, but he was also wrinkling his shirt!

Stupid servant!

"That's just what I was going to say, you prat!" Merlin hissed. Arthur turned to look at his father; Uther had apparently become to engrossed with eating and watching Morgana to pay attention to Arthur and his embarrassment of a servant.

Oh gods, he could feel a headache getting ready to antagonize him in the near future.

"And why, Merlin, are you hiding behind me?" Arthur raised a hand wearily to run it through his hair (it was still gorgeous wasn't it? All this stress from Merlin hadn't dimmed the shine, right?)

"Morgause is after me!" Merlin wailed, little tears appearing in his eyes that suddenly expanded in size making him look adorably cute. Of course Arthur was speaking from someone else's perspective. He, the crown prince of Camelot, did not think those big and watery eyes made Merlin look cute, just retarded. Then he realized what his servant had just said.

"Wait, Morgause is after you?" He all but shouted. Merlin nodded desperately.

"She wants my beautiful hat! I ran into her at the market right outside the castle and she saw my hat and then started throwing knives, fireballs, rocks, and even a branch at me, while demanding I give her my hat!" He moaned dramatically.

"So why can't you give her the hat?" Arthur groaned. "Maybe she could get off our backs and never bother us again if you give it to her?"

There was a sudden change in Merlin. Where before he was cowering behind Arthur, acting like a pitifully weak kitten, he was now standing fierce and tall, like a wolf, anger blazing in his eyes. For a second, when their eyes met, Arthur felt almost intimidated. Almost, not quite; it was still Merlin he was looking at of course. Merlin couldn't intimidate anyone.

"Give her my hat? Are you crazy? This hat is beautiful, gorgeous, and amazing! Why would I ever give it to anyone?" Merlin literally growled.

And that was when more shit hit the ceiling. Morgana finally caught sight of the hat Merlin was wearing, and Arthur saw multiple expressions flitting across her face in a span of two seconds before settling into a mask of rage.

Morgana has good fashion sense. Maybe she'll convince Merlin to throw away that stupid pointed hat. Arthur thought, relieved.

"Merlin!" Was the only warning the servant had before the King's doted ward jumped him. Arthur gaped as Morgana flew over the table to crash into Merlin.

'I didn't know that hat pissed her off so much.' Arthur thought. 

"Get off me, you witch!" Merlin screamed, trying to physically push off Morgana from his chest as she made wild grabs to the hat on his head.

"Merlin, don't call Morgana that!" Arthur shouted, reaching down to separate the two.

"To the stocks with you boy!" Uther cried, not really knowing what was going on, but seeing Merlin and Morgana fight prompted him to blame the servant. "Or better, the executioner's block!"

"Father, stop talking, please! Morgana get off of Merlin; he's weaker than you!" Arthur was trying, unsuccessfully, to pry Morgana's hand away from Merlin's throat.

"NO! I want that hat! Give it to me, Merlin!" Morgana shrieked, her nails causing scratch marks on Merlin's neck. Really, who knew nails could be so deadly?

"Morgana! That hat is a fashion disaster!" Arthur tried explaining weakly.

Was everyone becoming insane over a gods forsaken ugly hat?

"Don't diss on the hat!" Both Merlin and Morgana bellowed. Then the fight between the two renewed with extra vigor.

"It's my hat!"

"Give it to me; I'm more important than you!"

"No, its mine, you evil witch!"

"I demand it, idiot servant!"

"Hell no, I'm not giving to you! It makes me look wise and awesome!"

"HA! In your dreams! It makes you look stupid; it makes me look even more beautiful! Now give it to me!"

Arthur watched with a sick fascination as the two rolled around on the floor trying to grab the hat, or in Merlin's case, keep the hat on his head. His father kept yelling about Merlin's execution for daring to harm Morgana, (even though Merlin really wasn't harming Morgana; she was physically stronger than him.)

As such, he was the only one to turn around when the doors were blasted open, revealing a very angry blonde haired witch, whose hair was on fire.

"WHERE IS THAT IDIOTIC SUICIDAL SERVANT!" Arthur never knew anyone could shout that loud naturally. It was so loud, everyone finally stopped moving to view the newcomer. Morgana was still lying on top of Merlin, her nails bloody from clawing Merlin's face, and Uther was staring happily at the fire on Morgause's head, eager to see someone burn. (It had been an entire month since the last witch burning/execution).

Merlin used Morgana's shock at seeing her past captor to slip out from underneath her still body and Arthur watched him try to sneak quietly away.

"Um, Morgause." Morgana tried to sound hateful, but even Arthur could tell she was sounding worried; he wasn't that dense, damnit! "You're hair is on fire."

"Yes, sister, I am aware I am hot, now tell me where Merlin went." Ignoring Arthur's startled gasp, the evil megalomaniac sorceress walked over to the table to pick up Arthur's discarded steak knife.

"Morgause! You weren't supposed to say anything!" Morgana hissed. "And your hair is literally on fire!" Picking up her goblet of wine, Morgana tossed the liquid onto Morgause's hair where the flames went out with a sizzle. Uther looked disappointed.

"Morgana!" Morgause screeched. "You ruined my hair! I had done all nicely because Cenred and I were going out for dinner here, and now it's a total mess! I thought you were on my side!"

Morgana gaped, "Sister! What has gotten into you? You just keep revealing secrets! Next you'll them that you're entire plan involves killing Uther and Arthur so I can become Queen of Camelot!"

"What the hell is going on?" Arthur shouted. He turned to his father, who was just glaring intently at Morgause's hair, trying to set it back on fire.

Morgause finally turned to look at the disgruntled prince, madness gleaming in her eyes. "Your servant Merlin," she sneered, "has something that belongs to me!"

"It's not yours, its mine!" Merlin being the idiot that he is, gave away his position near the now broken door, and drew both Morgause's and Morgana's attention to him.

Within a span of five seconds, Merlin screamed like a little girl and ran as fast as he could out of the doors, with Morgause right behind him, cackling as she readied a fireball with magic in her free hand aimed at Merlin, and Morgana following as she grabbed someone's steak knife from the table and Arthur thought he saw lightening dancing on her fingertips.

"Give me the hat, Merlin!" The now revealed sisters shouted together.

He stood alone with his father in the dinning room, wondering what the hell had just happened.

"Father, did you see what I saw?" Arthur turned to his father, who was just staring in shock at the door.

"The- the witch didn't burn, Arthur!" Uther finally spoke. "Go after her and bring her head on a platter for me! NOW! Go save Morgana from the evil sorceress!"

"Um, father. Morgana is working with Morgause! Did you not hear her?"

"Nonsense! NOW GO! I am your king and I order you to!" Without another word, Arthur stumbled from the room, glad he had taken his sword with him to dinner, and inwardly seethed at the blindness of his father.

Tracking the witches wasn't difficult. All Arthur had to do was follow the explosions and the path of destruction Merlin, Morgause, and Morgana had left behind.

He finally found them in one of the old and abandoned towers, the knives stuck on the outside of the door, and explosions emitting from the room. Arthur cautiously opened the door and felt his insides curl up in anger.

Merlin, his eyes flashing gold, had his stupid hat protectively in the crook of his left arm, while his right hand was waving about, retaliating against the magic spells Morgause and Morgana were attacking him with.

Morgana had magic.

Merlin had magic.

Merlin and Morgana both had magic.

And he was defending a stupid looking purple pointed hat with stars on it, which Morgana and Morgause both wanted.

Arthur stared in shock as his whole world was rocked upside down, sideways, and maybe also inside out.

Two people who he had grown close too, had magic, which, according to his father, was evil and corrupted one's soul.

And here they were, fighting to the death over a hat.

Arthur watched as Merlin managed to send Morgause flying back, crashing painfully into a wall. She fell to the floor and didn't move.

Morgana started shrieking loudly, and her attacks on Merlin grew more ferocious.

There was wind being thrown about, fireballs scorching whatever they touched, and rocks breaking the stones in the room as they were thrown vigorously.

Arthur didn't know how it happened, but somehow, magic was forsaken and Merlin and Morgana were tugging on either ends of the hat.

"Give it to me!"

"No me!"

"I bought it!"

"I don't care, it's looks better on me!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"  
"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Shut up!" Arthur screamed, and before he knew what he was doing, he had run forward and sliced the hat into pieces, and continued hacking it as Merlin and Morgana stared, devastated.

Arthur breathed heavily as silence finally descended in the room.

"You, destroyed my hat." Merlin sounded so miserable and depressed, that Arthur almost felt bad for slicing the hat into thousands of pieces. Almost.

"Why would you do that?" Morgana cried.

Arthur looked at both of them, intently.

"Have your senses gone out the window and into a pile of dung? Did you see how ugly that hat was!"

"It wasn't ugly!" Merlin.

"It was beautiful!" Morgana.

"It would have made both of you look like dunces!" Arthur.

"Liar! You were just jealous of my hat! It made me look wise!"

"If I had it, it would make me look even more beautiful!"

"Majestic!"

"Charming!"

"Moronic." Arthur interjected, wondering why he wasn't reacting as much to the fact that the two of them had magic, as much as that they wanted to wear a pointed hat.

The two embraced each other and started weeping.

"I'm sorry Morgana!"

"I'm sorry too, Merlin!"

Sighing, Arthur went to go check on Morgause. Before he even got ten steps, the door to the room they were in opened.

Arthur felt his mouth drop open, yet again, as the last person he expected to show up in Camelot, entered the room.

"Cenred!" Arthur's head was pounding. What had he ever done to deserve a day like today?

"Morgause!" Cenred cried as he spotted her lying motionless on the ground. Merlin and Morgana ignored him as they continued bawling out apologies to each other.

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you!"

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you!"

Yeah, Arthur would the story out of them one way or another.

"Morgause! You can't die! I need the money to pay for dinner tonight! And I still need you to find my toy! Morgause!"

And Cenred was as insane as ever. Of course. Today could never be normal.

"Ahem." Arthur whirled around, wondering who else would bother coming into Camelot today. To his surprise, it was an old man who looked vaguely familiar, but Arthur couldn't place a name for him.

"Hello, young Pendragon. I see you have a dilemma on your hands."

"Obviously!" Arthur muttered sarcastically. Then he looked at the man closely.

"Who are you again? I know I've seen you before."

"I am Anhora."

"…"

"The keeper of the Unicorns."

"Oh! Right, I knew that." Arthur blushed. "Why are you here? I haven't killed any unicorns, I swear!"

Anhora chuckled. "I know, young Pendragon. I am here because this situation is slightly my fault."

"What?"

"I sold Merlin the hat."

"What?"

"Apparently those with magic are partial to pointed hats. It's a weakness they have."

"Why would you even make a hat as ghastly as that one!" Arthur snapped. He was tired, he never got to finish his dinner, and he just found out major secrets from his servant and his adopted sister.

"Well, I have to make money somehow! I don't live off of grass and leaves, you know." Anhora looked indignant.

"Well, are they ever going to get back to normal?"

"What is normal, young Pendragon?"

"I don't know! Merlin being an incompetent servant, Morgana not being evil, Cenred not being insane." Arthur trailed off.

"Well, you'll have to talk to them yourself. If you like, I can take the King back to his homeland along with the witch."

"Really?" Arthur really did not want to deal with an insane Cenred and a pissed off Morgause, especially if he had to deal with two emotional magical beings, with the names Merlin and Morgana.

Before he even blinked, Anhora had vanished, taking Morgause and Cenred with him.

Arthur turned to Merlin and Morgana, who were no longer sobbing, but quietly having tears run down their faces, as they had a small funeral for the now deceased pointed hat. They were most definitely more insane than Arthur had previously thought.

"So, you two." He groaned. The two mentioned people looked up at him, innocent expressions adorning their faces.

"Yes, Arthur?" They both said sweetly, Merlin's eyes getting adorably big again.

"You have magic." He said pointing to Merlin. He nodded.

"You have magic." Arthur glanced at Morgana, who nodded.

"Morgana, you are apparently trying to kill my father and me to become Queen."

"Well, yes. I think I would make a better ruler than you." Morgana sniffed haughtily.

"Why?"

"Because you are too much like your father, Arthur! Magic must be brought back to Camelot, and I will be the one to do it!" Morgana snapped.

"No! Arthur will be king!" Merlin snapped back.

They quickly dissolved into a cat fight; scratching each other, using their magic to increase the size and sharpness of their nails. Arthur couldn't believe how childish they were behaving.

'But, why would Morgana want to be Queen? I mean, since she has magic, I get the whole wanting to bring back magic into Camelot; but I'm not that much like my father that I'd want to continue banishing magic! Does she even know…?' Arthur's thoughts trailed off.

"Hey Morgana." Arthur pulled Merlin away from Morgana, who settled for glaring invisible arrows at his servant. "You do realize that if you become Queen, you will have absolutely no time to shop?"

There was absolute silence in the room, as Arthur and Merlin both looked slyly at Morgana, who had frozen solid with a desperately shocked expression on her face.

"No time…to shop?" She said slowly, almost disbelieving. "None at all?"

Arthur shook his head sadly.

"NO!" she started shrieking again, but this time including magic with her magic, which started bringing down the already broken room. Arthur grabbed Merlin and the two high tailed it out of the room before rocks would collapse on top of them.

"Oh shit! Morgana!" Arthur cursed as he wheeled around to enter the room again, intent on saving his 'adopted' sister. Merlin's hand grabbed his wrist and effectively stopped Arthur from moving any further.

"There's no need to, Arthur. She has most likely transported herself out by now. Morgana hates getting dirty and those crumbling rocks will most definitely have gotten her dress all dusty."

"But I still need to go check!" he protested. "It's part of the knight's code!" Merlin glared at him. Arthur felt like trembling in front of that gaze.

"Screw the knight's code! I'm not letting all of my sacrifices go to waste because you decided to be an idiot, and die by falling rocks!"

"What sacrifices?" Arthur shouted heatedly.

"My sleep! My life that's constantly on the line protecting your ass! My hat!" Merlin dissolved into tears. "My poor hat.."

Arthur wondered when he had left the land of the sane and if there was any way back.

Elsewhere….

Morgana had managed to transport herself back into Cenred's castle, where Cenred had ordered his healers to mend Morgause. (She was fine, just had a concussion.)

When Morgause woke up and finally talked to Morgana, she was surprised when Morgana decided to scrap their plan of her becoming Queen of Camelot.

Until Morgana told her the reason; then Morgause agreed wholeheartedly that being Queen was way too much work.

So the two of them decided to think of a new plan that would get Uther killed and Arthur forced to accept magic back into the kingdom. After they went shopping, of course.

Back in Camelot….

King Uther was still sitting at his seat in the dinning table. Gaius had finally come to visit the king to give him his nightly tonic and was confused at the amount of explosions that were being heard. Actually he was more confused that the king was so calm despite the amount of explosions.

"Sire? Aren't you at least slightly concerned about the explosions happening inside the castle?" Gaius asked as he poured Uther's medicine into a goblet with a well-practiced eye.

"No, Arthur is taking of it. I'm more concerned about your ward's fashion sense. Have you looked into those mental ailments that he might be suffering from?"

Gaius groaned as he realized that Merlin had something to do with the recent trouble, yet again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cenred was insane, everyone knew that. What they didn't know was that he had a history with our favorite warlock.

_Merlin grunted as he, Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen were shoved onto their knees, quite roughly, in front of Cenred. He could distinctly sense Morgause standing behind Cenred, and he fought the urge to run over and viciously head butt her. It wouldn't do to show Arthur that he can deal with Morgause in front of him. He would completely freak out and then assign him more mundane chores to do._

_Cenred circled around the captive group, and Merlin tried not to laugh out loud at his leather jacket and tight pants, but it was extremely difficult. Then Merlin's thoughts went elsewhere, to a time when he was stuck with Cenred (and by association, Morgause, but he tries to forget that) when he was much younger. He wondered if Cenred even remembered him. Of course, he wasn't known as Merlin then, no, the name Cenred called him was much more degrading and humiliating, that if he ever heard it again, Cenred would recall exactly why the Kingdom's treasury was practically empty all those years ago and then Merlin would-_

" _Pogo?" Merlin shuddered and slowly looked up at Cenred, who was standing in front of him, with a joyous expression on his face._

_The next thing anyone knew, Merlin had jumped on Cenred and was now trying to injure Cenred as much as possible without the use of his hands, (or his magic). Cenred was attempting to hug Merlin, who kept squirming away, while trying to gnaw his face off at the same time. Needless to say, there was much confusion and yelling going around the hall._

" _I've missed you, Pogo!"_

" _Don't call me that, you creep!" Merlin bit him while kicking his shins. Cenred just kept trying to squeeze Merlin without becoming majorly injured._

" _Oh, don't you remember the fun you, me, and Morgause used to have!" Cenred cried happily, (and from being bitten on his arm.)_

" _Don't remind me of that stupid witch!" Merlin wailed. That was when Morgause stepped out from her hiding place, fireball ready in her hand. Merlin managed to push Cenred away, (almost like magic!) and then somehow got the ropes around his wrists loosened (again, like magic), before dodging the fireball and jumping on Morgause, trying to scratch her eyes out. Arthur, Gwen, and Morgana were left speechless, confused, and little worried about the sanity of the three people, two who were trying to kill one another, and one who was smiling like he had received an unlimited amount of money._

" _I hate you, Morgause! Why would you tie me up in chains?" Punches were being thrown._

" _Revenge for my cat,_ Pogo _!" Morgause emphasized the Pogo, kind of like how Arthur drew out Merlin's name._

" _Your cat was pure evil! It was trying to claw my face off! I claim self defense in throwing it out the window!"_

" _At the very top of the tower, you idiot! Besides it was attacking you for destroying my room!"_

" _Which I only did because you destroyed my room!"_

_After a few minutes of listening to Merlin and Morgause fight like cats and dogs, Arthur finally pushed aside his manly pride to ask Cenred, of all people, for help._

" _But of course I'll tell you the story of how we met, Wart!" Cenred exclaimed._

"… _Wart?" Arthur wondered what he had gotten himself into._

" _Your new name!"_

" _I refuse to be called Wart, Cenred!"_

" _Do you want to hear the story or not?" Morgana intercepted Arthur's response with a frantic yes._

_Arthur was mortified._

" _Anyways it began twelve years ago, but I vaguely remember it like it was yesterday." Cenred began._

" _Wait, vaguely remember?" Gwen asked. Cenred scowled._

" _Don't interrupt, Poodle! Concussions do cause memory loss, you know!" Gwen flushed and Morgana failed to muffle in her giggles. Cenred looked annoyed._

" _Should I just leave you all in the dark, Gwcsadkhtbe?"_

" _How do you even pronounce that?" Morgana cried, upset about Cenred's name for her._

" _Exactly how it sounds." Cenred said. "By the way, it stands for Girl Who Can't Smirk And Doesn't Know How To Be Evil." Morgana fumed. Arthur and Gwen were confused, yet again._

" _Now, all of you shut up, so I can tell my story! It all started twelve years ago…"_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cenred was absolutely bored. His father had sent him on a tour of the kingdom, to further his familiarity with his future territory.

Cenred knew his father just wanted to get him out of the castle and away from him for an extended period of time. He couldn't exactly order Morgause to leave, since she never listened and just killed everyone sent to lock her up, but the king could send his son away.

Cenred had been traveling in a carriage for nearly three months now. According to the driver who just stuck his head inside to yell at him, the royal procession of the prince, two guards, and a driver, were just coming up to a small village called Ealdor, which was close to the Camelot border. Cenred wondered if he could make a break for it and run across the boarder before his guards knew he had escaped. But then, he decided that it would be too much work.

Thirty minutes later, Cenred was greeting the villagers with fake enthusiasm, who had all lined up to greet him in the center of the village.

After all of the stupid words with all of the idiotic villagers, Cenred turned to go back into his carriage where they would travel to another, slightly bigger village, that actually had an inn.

And then Cenred saw him; a small eight-year-old with giant ears and who was laughing manically as his eyes turned gold and the wheels of the carriage rusted terribly.

"Oh my gosh, you are so cute!" Cenred screamed before running up to the now baffled kid and started squeezing him.

"I'm going to take you home and you will be my new pet! And you're name will be Pogo!"

The kid's eyes glowed gold and Cenred found himself sprawled on the ground while the child was running as if his life depended on it. Unfortunately for him, Cenred had longer legs and was able to catch up pretty quickly to the delinquent child. Cenred tackled his new pet to the ground, quickly tying him with rope and slapping a blindfold made from the newly named Pogo's neckerchief.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" _The next part is a little blurry, because that's when Hunnith came out with a frying pan, demanding to know what I was doing with her house slave." Cenred explained to the three listeners._

" _Don't you mean child, Cenred?" Gwen asked. No one remarked on the fact that Gwen speaking so bluntly to a King had crossed class boundaries. No one really cared, actually._

" _No, she specifically said house slave. I remember that much at least."_

" _But we met her a while back and she was the nicest person ever." Morgana protested._

" _Yeah, well, not back then, she wasn't. Anyways, she hit me repeatedly over the head with her frying pan, stole two hundred crowns from my wallet, and then demanded I pay her one hundred crowns every month that Merlin stayed as my pet."_

" _And you agreed?" Arthur deadpanned. Cenred shrugged._

" _Well, it was either give in to her nicely and keep Pogo, or she comes to steal the money every month from the palace."_

" _And you couldn't just lock her up."_

" _You know what, Arthur? You can't solve all of your problems by locking people up! Some people just have the innate ability to scare the guards so much that they let the prisoner go out of fear."_

_The three individuals from Camelot all shook their heads in exasperation. Hunnith could never be that bad._

" _Anyways, once Pogo arrived at the castle, he and Morgause hit it off right away."_

* * *

Merlin was only eight, but he was ready to commit murder. And not just any murder; no, it was a royal murder and an annoying, brown haired, cootie-filled, stupidity walking, moron murder. And who could blame him? Sure, he had been rescued from his demon of a mother, an insane amount of chores that could only be completed by use of magic, and random killing attempts by said mother, but the point still stood that he was essentially sold! To the most idiotic person in existence!

Merlin glared at Cenred, who was currently sitting next to him in the carriage petting his hair. Petting his hair, come on! He wasn't a baby, and Merlin was not happy that cooties were being spread all over the top of his head. Gross!

"Look, Pogo! The castle is in sight! We'll be home within a few hours!" Cenred cried happily, now squeezing Merlin to death. A glow of the eyes and Cenred found himself on the floor of his carriage, while Merlin stretched out on the seat.

"Your home, not mine." Merlin remarked lazily, as he got comfortable for the last leg of the journey. "And my name is Merlin, got it?"

"Oh, hush Pogo. You're going to love your new home. I'll feed you, and take you out for walks, and clean you, and play with you! You're so adorable!"

"I'm not a freaking pet, moron!" Merlin grabbed Cenred's suitcase (he had to bring his entire closet, you know. It was completely necessary) and started whacking the prince on the head repeatedly.

"Owowowowow! OW! Stop Pogo!"

And that's how the rest of the journey was made, with Cenred getting another concussion, and Merlin coming out of the carriage looking immensely pleased with himself.

"I'm going to go get ice for the concussion, now." Cenred moaned, swaying on his feet.

"You do that." Merlin muttered. "And while you're there, might as well fall into a well."

"That's no fun, Pogo! It takes forever to climb back out." Cenred skipped towards the door, smashed into the wall next to the door, and splayed out dramatically on the ground. Merlin made sure to step on his chest as he walked past to get into the castle.

"Oh, you're back, are you?" A high, girlish voice greeted Merlin as he stepped for the first time in his new 'home'. The eight year old looked around, slightly interested at meeting a new person, who was hopefully not stupid.

Out from the corner, stepped out a young teenager, her blonde hair hanging fashionably over an elegant, bright red dress.

"Oh, you're not Cenred. Who the hell are you?"

Merlin sighed dramatically, not as dramatic as Cenred, of course, and turned away. "Great, more cooties."

"Excuse me?" The girl's eyes glowed and fire produced from her clenched hands. Merlin ignored her and started walking down a random corridor. "I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life with people who are idiotic and have cooties. My life sucks."

"Then DIE!" A sudden heat at Merlin's back alerted him to duck, and duck he did. He looked up from his position on the ground to see a fireball smash into the wall, bricks falling down from the force of the blast.

"All those years of learning how to dodge frying pans came in handy." He muttered, eyes wide with glee. Someone else knew magic! Someone was just like him! Someone who…had just tried to roast him alive with her magic.

"You cootie infested worm!" Merlin shouted. He felt the magic rise up in his chest and relished in the power he felt. With barely any effort, Merlin used his magic to throw the bricks at the raging teenager in front of him, who was throwing fireballs back.

Merlin didn't know how long he kept dodging, throwing, and shouting insults at the girl in front of him for, but it felt like ages had passed before the guards finally came to tear the two magic wielding maniacs (in their eyes) away from each other.

Merlin was carried (he hadn't realized how tired he was) to where Cenred was waiting for him. The guards dropped him in front of Cenred and left muttering something about the destructiveness and insanity of the new generation. Merlin didn't move from his new spot on the floor, finding it extremely comfortable.

"I see you met Morgause and caused a wall to fall down." Cenred said on his spot from his chair, holding an ice pack to his head. Merlin smirked at the thought of Cenred's still throbbing him after all of this time.

"You two are probably going to be the best of friends! You guys can hang out all the time now!" Cenred clapped his hands eagerly, dropping the ice pack on to the ground. "I wonder, will you get a crush on her, Pogo? Oh! I can be the matchmaking friend!"

Merlin's smirk vanished off his face, in disgust as Cenred continued to babble on about nothing. He eyed the bag of ice, pondering on whether it was worth it to waste any more energy on the buffoon before him.

"And then you two can get married, and I'll be the best man!" Yes, yes it totally was worth it.

"And then- OW! Owowowowowow! Quit chucking ice at me! It's cold and it hurts! Ow! Alright, I'll stop!"

A very satisfied Merlin was led to his room, twenty minutes later.

"This has been a pretty constructive day." Merlin giggled to himself. "I caused mayhem and pain to the idiotic prince and got a chance to use magic for pure destruction purposes!"

"So you're the new brat whose staying here, is that right?" Merlin looked up to see a fuming Morgause standing in front of him.

"Completely against my will, but yes."

"Well, seeing as I hate you, be prepared to be annihilated at any moment." Morgause announced grandly before entering the room right next to Merlin's.

"Wait, is that your room?"

"Of course it is."

Cenred glanced up to the ceiling of his room as an explosion rocked the castle. He smiled innocently.

"Aw, Pogo and Morgause are getting along so nicely."

"Sir." A guard entered Cenred's room. "Should we go stop them before they destroy something else in the castle?"

"Nah." The prince waved his hand dismissingly and went back to the book in front of him. "Let them have their fun."

He wasn't in charge of the kingdom's budget, so why would he care for how much it cost to fix the castle on what would become a daily occurrence?

* * *

" _And after that first meeting, there was never a dull day! I would always wake up to explosions and screaming. The two of them were always trying to kill each other, sometimes me, and would always destroy a part of the castle." Cenred finished his story with a wistful expression on his face. Morgana, Gwen, and Arthur were all sitting comfortably on the floor, the ropes somehow gone, and gob-smacked expressions on their faces._

" _Wait, so why didn't Merlin tell us any of this?" Arthur asked weakly. How much was his servant (best friend) hiding from him? Cenred shrugged._

" _You should ask him that." Arthur stood up, ready to do exactly that._

" _Wait, where is he?"_

" _And where is my, I mean, Morgause?" Morgana also stood up, her hands expertly smoothing out any wrinkles that might have appeared in her fashionable riding outfit._

" _Shouldn't you guys be asking where most of the castle is?" Gwen questioned dryly._

" _Not again." Cenred muttered. "Now that I'm king, I actually have to somewhat pay attention to these things."_

" _Sir." A guard entered the room that had no walls or doors. "Code AD in the gardens."_

_Cenred pouted. "Not the gardens; we just finished refurbishing it!"_

" _Well sir, it's really Code AD in what's left of the gardens."_

" _How much is left?"_

" _Pretty much nothing."_

_Cenred, Morgana, and Arthur followed the guard to the gardens, or what used to be the garden. Gwen split from the group to go rescue her brother from his cell._

" _They really went overboard this time, didn't they?" Cenred muttered. "This is a definite Absolute Destruction case." The scene in front of them was of a barren wasteland, marred by craters, with smoke still rising from a few spots on the ground. The people responsible were rolling on the ground, clawing, biting, kicking, scratching, using whatever method to reach the person in front of them and cause them pain while doing so._

" _What in the blazing hell happened here?" A new voice called from behind the group. Arthur turned to see Gwen with a man he presumed was her brother, then turned back to the fight. Morgana didn't even turn around; she was too busy cheering for Morgause. Arthur did think that it was strange, but figured that Morgana was mad at Merlin, yet again._

" _Well, there's nothing to do until they're done." Cenred said, sitting on the burnt ground._

" _If I may ask a question, Cenred." Gwen started._

" _Of course, Poodle. Go ahead and ask." Cenred exclaimed theatrically._

" _Did you send Merlin back home because of the amount of destruction caused in those years that he stayed with you?"_

" _Nope! Why would I want to get rid of such good entertainment?"_

" _Then why did he end up back in Ealdor?"_

" _Oh, Hunnith came and demanded her work slave back. Apparently she got tired of trying to force the villagers to do her chores for her."_

" _Is everyone in this kingdom completely insane?" Arthur wondered._

_Cenred nodded. "That's why it's been so successful since I took the throne!"_

" _It looks like they're done fighting." Morgana announced._

" _Really?" Cenred perked his head up to get a better view._

" _Ah, wait no. They're fighting again. Never mind."_

_It wasn't until four more hours had passed that Morgause and Merlin finally reached zero on their energy bar, and both passed out on the ground. Cenred left Morgause outside until she woke up and Arthur grabbed Merlin and left with Morgana, Gwen, and Elyan back to Camelot. Morgana and Cenred forgot why they even bothered capturing Elyan._

_All in all, it was a wasted day._


End file.
